When you're only truly free (And the other things you deserve)

When you're only truly free (And the other things you deserve)

"Call me Ishmael. Some years ago—never mind how long precisely—having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen and regulating the circulation. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off—then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can. This is my substitute for pistol and ball. With a philosophical flourish Cato throws himself upon his sword; I quietly take to the ship. There is nothing surprising in this. If they but knew it, almost all men in their degree, some time or other, cherish very nearly the same feelings towards the ocean with me" (Melville, Moby Dick)

I am currently writing all of you from The Bahamas. I get it. What the hell are you doing, right? You're on Vacation, with a capital V, celebrating your parents 35th (WHAAAT!?!!???) wedding anniversary. What are you doing strapping yourself to a computer in a hotel room? 

Rest assured, I am NOT in a hotel room. I am sitting on a deck, shaded, looking over one of the most beautiful thing I have ever seen... and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

And I'm writing because I NEED - CAPITAL N.E.E.D. to. 

And I'm writing because I think I need to clear the air about a few things - to my parents, to my brother, to our girlfriends - to everyone. 

I don't write because I'm some manically depressed sap (not all the time, anyway). I write because it's how I function in regards to my ability to be happy. I write because writing - at some point in time or another - was linked to my overall well-being. It's simply something that I need to do. 

Don't get me wrong - there is a time, I guess, for the war. 

And you all know what I'm talking about deep down inside. Most of us need to ruff it a bit; - at least those of us who are not strong enough for those sacred triple X tattoos that I so desperately want (it's called weakness and I'm chock full of it). We need to, after weeks or years of stress, ravage our own bodies to make sure we still exist. We pray to Jack Daniels (God rest his soul) and let the chips fall as they may. And then we wake up the next day and realize - okay, I'm still here...

But then what? 

If we don't know what makes us happy, we may put it all on black again, casting ourselves out into the good night, with the hopes of finding a small piece of ourselves as the sun breaks the horizon on some regretful Thursday morning... 

But some of us KNOW. And thankfully, I know. 

I write because I need to. I write because, like fish needs to swim to stay alive, it's just the way I simply exist. It's how I function. It's how I "get through". 

When I think about all of it, I think about this Regina Spektor interview:

I stumbled upon it one night - lost, for sure, in myself... and it has stuck with me ever since. 

I was sitting - ready to worship whoever - at the foot of my chair today, and I was waiting to feel completely together. Because that's what supposed to happen on vacation - right? You should feel whole... but I didn't.

And in that flash I thought, well, this place would be the perfect place to write and relax...

And then it hit me. Why am I NOT doing that? I know what I love - I love what I love - and why am I not DOING it? I have the means...

... but I lack self-actualization. I lack courage. I lack commitment. 

And if you are "bout it" - I envy you. If you KNOW (and maybe now, I know) - and you HAVE known - hold onto it... because no matter how much you travel, no matter how much you "do", no matter how much you drink or *sigh* whatever - you won't be as happy as you are doing what you love... because THAT is true freedom. THAT is vacation. It's about knowing and then committing to it.

This is what I think about while in The Bahamas for my parents' 35th wedding anniversary.

And I am forever grateful for it. 

If you still don't know - if you still aren't truly in love with something outside of these walls, outside of the concrete 9-5 grind that most of us find ourselves locked into - keep looking. Because, then, you do need to travel. You need to explore; and, for that, I am greatly envious of you - Because your journey is just beginning. 

Have at it. 

Only Truly Free, 

The Poet and The Platform